Be Brave Project, Day 46; The Big One

I've written about this before--I dance around the subject sometimes, before retreating from the floor to go have an ice with the ladies--but there are two big things I need to complete before the BBP, in its original format, is complete.

1. Now I actually have health insurance, I need to go see a doctor. To establish that relationship and to stop being so paranoid about my health.

2. Oh. . .well. You know. It's The Bloody Book.

I have so much anxiety wrapped around this book that it seems almost insurmountable. Then I look around my apartment and I think: How Long Will This Last? Beautiful apartment, gorgeous view of the UWS skyline (picture above, taken at 6 this morning) heading north, just enough money scraped together so I have the time to write. . .

And yet I am very very frightened.

What if I can't do it? What if the whole thing turns out to be a bundle of crap; plotless, soulless, meaningless drivel? Well. . .

If I follow that line of reasoning, then I will have proven that I cannot do it. I will have actually proven that, at this time, I cannot do that well. In which case I can stop beating myself up for NOT doing it--I mean, I don't constantly berate myself for not completing a forward pass. Or for not having proven that the papilloma virus can be halted by a vaccine. Some things you're not meant to do, to the extent that it would be absurdly illogical to waste time in one short life trying.

If I pass up this chance, however, I will simply have given myself another reason to be angry at and disappointed in myself. I have NYC's dream apartment. I have a computer and a cat to sit by its side. I have characters and a tone, a voice that I think I can pull off. I need a PLOT. No more writing into the void for me.

And, I know an agent who has said she'd look at the book.

In the London Times yesterday I read an interview with Elmore Leonard and his son, Peter. Peter has just, at age 56, come out with his first book. They talked about character and plot ( E.L. claims he doesn't worry about it, it just comes to him), but more about the simple efficacy of hard work. The son seems to have a tough road to hew, with his father being one of the most successful writers on the planet in terms of profit. But it made me want to look at one of E.L.'s books, just to see what path it followed. . .the Times said that none less than Martin Amis is a huge fan of Leonard's work, the adjective-free purity of his writing.

Ok. I will go have a look. And I need to get cracking on a schedule.

Today I am getting my first haircut since February: Since discovering the very real difference between a good haircut and a cheap one, I've been getting no haircuts at all. Just going at my bangs with scissors--which actually has been remarkably successful. But now I've got that IRS refund, so it's time to go through with a proper haircut at the TwoDo Salon on W. 82nd Street.

Cannot believe I'll be paying $100 on a haircut.

I also will go to the gym and the library, to pick up some EL books. And also returning to my search for plot, plot, plot. . .

And call my doctor.

BBP yesterday: Did speak to financial guy at Smith Barney, but since the European makets were flipping out, he was a bit distracted. However, am glad I am 85% out of the stock-market right now: Can't take the suspense.